i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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