but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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