I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
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You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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