i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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