I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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