Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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