i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
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My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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