I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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