Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize