i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
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She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
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I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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