Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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