sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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