$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
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Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize