It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
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Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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