you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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