k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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