the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
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I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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