just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
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Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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