good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize