Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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