Pappa wants mamma naked
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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