Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
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I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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