i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
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Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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