i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
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I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
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Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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