this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
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We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
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Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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