They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
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Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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