Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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