Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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