sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
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Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
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I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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