I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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