Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
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my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
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I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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