So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
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He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
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He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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