If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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