He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
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I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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