For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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