Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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