I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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