I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
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Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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