I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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