woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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