hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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