They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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