i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
someone owes me an orgasm
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize