i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
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she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
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My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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