I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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