You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
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I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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