I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
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How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
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I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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