Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
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If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
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I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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