Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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