i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
40s are totally the cure
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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